You Don’t Own Me

An open letter to the penpal who tried to control me.

(Caution: Contains strong language)

Dear Penpal,

You reached out to me a week ago, telling me how great it was to find another empath and how you hoped you’d never offend me. You decided to send me a huge email via my blog following one Slowly letter and you bombarded me with information about your thoughts, feelings and experiences. You told me how much you liked me and how you were sick of people ghosting and blocking you and yet here we are, with you removed from my life for one simple reason – nobody without authority or my explicit permission gets to tell me what to do.

Since you have neither, guess what that means for you?

I revisited our previous letters, trying so hard to work out what I told you that I apparently shouldn’t have. I tried to work out what made you tell me that I should proof-read my letters prior for information that I didn’t want to share prior to sending them, and I pretty much came up blank.

The only reason I proof-read what I write, is fot spelling and typing errors. if I wrote it, then I meant to write it. It’s what I do.

I have only one conclusion, you were offended by my transparency. You were offended by my openness and willingness to engage with you, to tell you who I am in return for your telling me who you are. Was I supposed to sit quiet and not offer you any information about who I am while you told me all about who you are? I’m an open book, for the most part.

Or maybe you were offended by me opening up to you about having had some mildly kinky relationships in return for you telling me about your romantic past?

Guess what? It’s 2019, soon to be 2020. People have sex, people fuck. Sometimes they have homosexual relationships and sometimes they have kinky sex – sometimes they even do both at the same time! But here is the kicker,

I’d rather talk openly with my friends, than find out that one of my friends is dead in a ditch somewhere because of something that could have been avoided if I’d just spoken up. I’m open because I care and pray tell, something I know could help save one poor soul from getting hurt, or worse. I have friends who talk to me about what I do or have done and I talk to them and write on another blog to help them stay safe because they know what I do. It doesn’t mean we give each other a blow-by-blow account of what went down, but we’re at least looking out for one another.

I’m open because transparency helps to build solid, trusting, formidable friendships and allows people to be open with me in return for my being open and vulnerable with them. I’ve made a compulsive liar admit that he lies, and why, simply because he felt safe and trusting enough around me that he felt he could open up to me. He even refused to open up to nobody other than me when he tried to take his life. That’s the kind of that person I am, people trust me because I’m raw and vulnerable with them. Try it sometime.

You asked me what I thought of you, but what the fuck would I know? I’m here writing to help people by using my own experiences and I’m reachable on Slowly for friendships, not to offer free snapshot psychological evaluations on people. If you want a psychological evaluation, go and visit a psychiatrist. But since you asked, here is your answer: Needy, self-centred and controlling.

And I won’t be part of it.

I didn’t even finish reading the letter. I was so annoyed by being told what to do that I switched off. I had no interest in anything else that you had to say. You’d begged me not to abandon you, and I felt so bad for you that I ignored my gut instinct and stayed for a while, even if my gut hated how desperate you seemed. Then you repay my time by trying to control me? Get out of here.

It probably wasn’t them, anyway

One of the things that I find really interesting with controlling people is that it’s never them, it’s you. It happens with all kinds of people, even lazy people who can’t understand why they always get fired when they’re always late. If people keep blocking, ghosting or otherwise ending friendships and relationships with you, you need to ask yourself what you’re doing wrong. What are you doing to encourage that behaviour? Sending them extensive essays about yourself could be one thing, closing people down when they then tell you about themselves would be another.

A sidenote: Shortly after writing this post I found this article, which is ironically perfectly fitting for me owing to my strong but sensitive nature, and fitting for my penpal’s fascination with our both being empaths. I may be a delicate, sensitive little soul, but by Jove I am not to be trifled with!

An extra sidenote: To the people who have followed me over from my other blog and continued supporting me here, a massive thankyou! I’m touched and honoured to be helping, supporting and inspiring so many!

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